For the love of GOD

Growing up in a Christian family, I was definitely in church every single Sunday. Sunshine band, gospel choir, praise dance, C.O.G.I.C. Conferences, YPWW, you name it! If you grew up like me let’s be honest as a child those weren’t the most exciting times of your life. At often times we’d sit in church watching everyone hooping and hollering, and slapping tambourines while we sat there forced to clap at something we just didn’t quite understand. Who is God? Why can’t we see him? Why did those people kill Jesus? It was so much.

For so many years I didn’t understand it. Don’t get me wrong I have always loved God and the miracles that I have seen him bring my family through, but the feeling that those people at church had every single Sunday at church I had never felt that at least up until the age of 18. Who would’ve thought that it would take a broken heart for me to get closer to God? As mentioned in the previous blog “Friends or Foes” at the age of 18 I lost one of my best friends to a car accident, and I was leaving my Mother who had just had a major open heart surgery. My heart and mind were just in a vulnerable state, of course I prayed to God every night to mend my broken heart as I was taught to. Of course as an 18 year old freshman in college, first time being away from home, I searched to heal my broken heart in all the wrong places... and yes you guessed it I looked for healing within a man.

My roommate and I made friends with two brothers our freshman year and let just say what started off as a meeting on the quad and exchanging numbers turned into so much more. Work out schedules started forming, cafe visits, then came room visits and mini kickbacks just us four. The four then became two just. Just me and Him. I thought I finally found someone who I could truly open up to and find comfort in. We found ourselves together at least once or twice a day, from our in between class study sessions to getting my nightly call to come chill with him and his friends before my curfew hit. He was such a well kept handsome person, smart, sweet and caring. Y’all I though I had found the ONE! I was there for every flag football game, rain sleet or snow. I came when he called every night and just wanted me to sit under him and watch him play spades or video games with his boys for hours. I mean this dude had me doing things I had never done before, running through sprinklers just to get back to my dorm 3 minutes before curfew. Putting on his clothes to sneak into his dorm just to spend the night with him,Talking on the phone all night until we fell asleep and let’s not forget the brawl we started in front of White Hall because he was defending me from another man who called me a “B*tch”, and of course I was near his side selling out with him because duh “He was the ONE”.

I was so vulnerable and gullible that I even let this man attempt to take my virginity, and I’m so glad I stopped him. Here is another time I wish God had sent me a sign before I got to far in. As months started to pass things felt like were perfect and that at any moment I was going to be a girlfriend. YEAH RIGHT PEACH. Things then began to be the opposite, I began seeing him less. The phone calls slowly went from everyday to about 2-3 times a week. His friends would still call me over but of course he wasn’t there. I just already knew in my gut that I wasn’t the only one he was giving his time to & that isn’t what hurt me, it was the fact that he knew all that I had been through and still put me right back through it. No we weren’t together officially but it dang sure was an ENTANGLEMENT!

At that point I lost respect for him, hell I even lost respect for myself because at that point I was going to do what I wanted to do to make me happy. I started talking to one of his boys. We would go off of campus together every once in a while, or find a little spot to duck off on campus. Of course I started having real feelings for him but it just wasn’t as great as the ones I had for Dude. I even had dudes coming to visit and spend time with me from different cities and some how I still ended up back in his arms all in the same day. No matter who or what I tried they couldn’t fill that empty void like he did. I kept settling until one day I received a message from his GIRLFRIEND threatening me. Yes y’all his girlfriend. That was it for me. My mind at that point flashed back to every single time I had had my heart broken and my heart shattered. (Yall ever seen the Mr. Krab meme?) No matter what I did, I could not trust anyone to help mend my heart. As tough as it was I still dropped to my knees and prayed like I was taught. No this whole thing wasn’t over a boy but because it was one thing after another he was rock in the glass that finally shattered it. Just when I thought I found happiness it was just a facade.

Everyday after I would take my bible and sit out of the quad when it was quiet and look up scriptures to heal heartbreaks, to gain wisdom on how to grow from the feeling of defeat and of course pray. I felt so alone and felt that I had to rebuild myself on my own. At this point in time I was already in counseling from watching someone get killed in front of me about a month before. In my prayers I asked God to guide me to the right path of relief. My counselor ended up telling me that she was the Chaplin of our university and that night invited me to a Friday night live church service students of the university were over. Without hesitation I went and when I tell you everything I had gone through within my life was preached about, I felt like I was being read my rights. It touched me in a way I can’t even explain. You all remember that feeling I mentioned in the beginning. This was the moment I finally felt it, I could feel God in the room, I could feel the healing beginning to happen. The hands that were laid upon me and cast the hurt out that night completely changed me. I was left on my knees in tears. I left that night feeling like every inch of pain was gone because I had given it all to God. From then on I knew exactly who or where to turn to in my time of despair. I felt like I was starting to be in the house of the Lord more than I was in class .

I soon ended up getting saved and baptized in front of my entire university and the new path I decided to go with in my life was amazing. Having a new and flourishing relationship with God was better than any human relationship I have ever had in my life. The tears I shed from that point on were tears of joy because I would look back and see the things he had brought me through. No one was able to break me because I stood tall as a faithful servant to God. The more I started opening up to God the more ways he had to use me. I was then introduced to the role of being a Chaplin up until my final year of college, I would be called to come pray over individuals, university assemblies, meeting and finally of course my senior consecration. I don’t regret anything that I have been through only because it created a relationship that I had been seeking and wondering about for years. I finally found out Who God was and what he was about. Falling in Love with him was the best thing I have ever done and though at times my faith may become a little shaky, I know that he is one who WILL NEVER LEAVE OR FORSAKE ME.

I share this with you today to tell you to turn you losses into wins. When one door closes one always opens. God is there through the good, bad and even in between and blessed is the man that trusts in him. When you are feeling broken, or overwhelmed lift thine eyes unto the hills, from whence cometh my help. Remember my help cometh from the Lord, which made heaven and earth. Forgiveness is also key. About a year later the dude and I sat and finally talked out our differences and I let him know how much he had hurt me, words were exchanged and to this day he has a friend in me and I have a friend in him whenever I may need to. I am grateful for every obstacle in my life. God only makes diamonds from pressure. -Peach