Friends or Foes

Growing up I didn’t have much of an issue in the friend department, I was blessed to know and love so many good spirits. I was also blessed to call some of them my best friends from Preschool all the way up until my final year of college. (Shoutout to Tehira, Shanice, Kristine, Deanna, Jillian, Jackie, Jelani, Aaliyah, Shac, Vay, Rajae, Rajne, Dre, Kevon, Quiana). So many great memories & stories. The ones who kept me strong, held my head above water, the ones I could be my real self around.

At the age of 23 I now ponder why God allowed so many great people in my life just for them to not be here any longer? It’s understandable that you out grow friends but what about the friendships that didn’t end so well? Leaving high school was a huge transition for me, it not only meant a new life, but new friends. While learning that this wasn’t the end only a I’ll see you in a few , things began to shed a better light.

Until August 2015. I lost one of my best friends to a fatal car accident, and I feel as though this started a chain reaction in the friend department. Literally leaving her funeral and getting on the road to start my new life was something that I can never forget. I started to shut in, I built a brick wall with everyone else because I didn’t want to feel like I was allowing anyone to come and take her place in my life. I literally moved into my dorm and it took me about a week or two to even say anything to my roommate. I cried and cried and prayed to God to guide me and give me wisdom in this situation, I was lonely, no parents or family even around where I was living at the time. My internet best friend lived multiple hours away and she was just starting college like I was.

God told me that my new angel would want me to be happy. I decided to branch out, I made good friends with my Roommate Shay, and my girl from down the hall Justine. Soon after I was accepted into a group of boys who treated me like I was one of them, late nights, early mornings, Being with them everyday was apart of my everyday schedule. As I began to be happy again, life changed for me when my boys didn’t return the following year, & Justine had to move back home after the shooting incident that took place the semester before. It kind of put me back in a dark space, like again GOD? Why can’t I keep a friend? That same year my boyfriend came into my life but it definitely wasn't the same, it’s definitely always important to have some outside of the relationship to bond with. I still had Shay even though we weren’t roommates she was right across the hall. I noticed that trying to balance a boyfriend and a friendship was such a hard thing to do, it was like having my cake and eating it too, and of course now being honest with myself I know that’s what ruined my friendship with her and I sincerely apologize for it.

I branched out again and joined my first island dance crew, and for a while I grew a bond with every single girl on the dance team, sadly it was short lived when things started to go left after adding new members to the teams. Left in the dark once again. I set out to join a new team and Godddd, you should’ve warned me then. Looking from the outside in I just knew this was the place where I was going to find the best of friends, the ones who will turn into family and God was I completely wrong. Like you know how God gives you signs and you just sit there and act like you don’t see them yeah that was me. Everything was so good in the beginning, I was enjoying myself doing what I loved with people I thought I had love for, then it was like in the blink of an eye I began to see people for who they were, fake, and phony, spiteful, you know those “Do anything for clout” type of people. Whew if I listed everything I would still be writing next week. I went from people talking about me, to posting about me to, telling lies to my boyfriend about me, to ATTEMPTING TO PUT THEIR HANDS ON ME for no apparent reason.

If you knew the old me things like that were important to me. I stuck around to prove a point! I wasn’t the person people were out here trying to make me out to be. I have always been a friendly, respectful, and professional spirit and I was determined to show that. Of course that only made things worse, it turned into me against everybody and at that point that put me into a deep depression that went on for about 2 years. I could not grasp this. For a while I even contemplated leaving this earth, I was going through so many other stressors and this put the icing on the cake. I remember crying to my parents on the phone about feeling alone and not having any friends, my insecurities and finally the struggles from school and work.

I don’t know what finally clicked after praying so hard and that conversation with my parents that opened my eyes. I was so good off of that team, those bitter people, those broken friendships & those hurt feelings. I took a break from everyone and everything around me. It really made me think how could people so grown, hell in college keep up so much drama, so much hatred for other people. I now at 23 years old know that I am fine without the approval of others, the fake love, the thought of having friends. I will never again feel the need to change who I am to fit in to a crowd, team, crew or Clique. I will continue to follow that path that God has for me and will keep my eyes open wide for signs in the future. No matter how Many FRIENDS OR FOES may come across your life always make sure you have you at the end of the day. You are the best friend you could ever have. I Thank you for the ones who still stay ten toes down for me, I thank the ones who have never left my side. God is still working on me, but I promise I can only go up from here.

Remember to never let anyone disturb your peace. Never let anyone one else determine your future. As we grow older, we don't lose friends we just learn who the real ones are.

Alexa, Play “Me, Myself & I”

-Peach